To the Editor:
I am Thaddeus P. Whitmore, inventor and electrical experimenter, residing at 20 President Street since the year of our Lord 1899. I write to express my utmost indignation at the deplorable state of tenant protections in this fair borough, which have allowed complete strangers to take up residence in my very own quarters without so much as a by-your-leave!
I have devoted my time to the pursuit of scientific advancement, particularly in the realm of electrical apparatus, and have always paid my rent punctually and conducted myself as a gentleman of proper breeding. Yet somehow, the landlord has seen fit to install additional tenants in my apartment without any consultation whatsoever!
These new lodgers are the most confounding individuals I have ever encountered. They possess the most extraordinary contraptions—small black devices that emit light and moving pictures and play curious music like the phonograph at a simple touch! When I inquired about the mechanism, hoping to study their electrical principles, the young lady began shrieking with delight. "He's totally interacting with my phone!" she exclaimed to her companion.
I know not what a "phone" might be, though it appears to be some manner of advanced electrical apparatus. Most fascinating! Though I must say, pointing such devices at a fellow while he conducts his morning ablutions is frightfully improper.
The gentleman of the house—one Tyler, I believe—attempted communication through a parlor game of letters. When I paid him no heed, as I was occupied with my daily constitutional reading of the Times, he declared me "uncooperative." Sir! I was merely engaged in keeping abreast of current affairs in my own domicile!
Most peculiar is their reaction to my household contributions. When I arranged the young lady's pantry stores in proper order—a simple courtesy any decent lodger would provide—she began capering about like a woman possessed. "You guys, the ghost is organizing my spices!" she hollered into her mysterious device.
Ghost? I beg your pardon! I am very much among the living and a lawful tenant of these premises!
The strangest occurrence came this past week when Tyler brought a dozen visitors for what he termed a "ghost tour." A tour! Of my private residence! They wandered about pointing their electrical contraptions hither and yon, inquiring if any "spirits" were present. I introduced myself with proper decorum, yet they responded with such caterwauling and flashing of lights that I feared they might suffer apoplectic fits.
What manner of landlord-tenant law permits such egregious violations of privacy? I demand to know by what authority these individuals have been granted access to my quarters, and why I was given no notice of their installation!
If this travesty persists, I shall be obliged to seek legal counsel. A gentleman scientist deserves proper respect and legal protection in his own lawful residence.
Most indignantly,
Thaddeus P. Whitmore
Inventor and Electrical Experimenter
Brooklyn, New York